Depth

“Let me go this time. I promise I won’t do it again! Please! Plea-”

He threw down the knife around my neck, but his hands were still choking me.

A couple of seconds later, he released his hands around my neck. I tried to breathe, and my lungs hurt as the cold air hit them in a gasp.

Then I felt a punch at my back.

I tottered on the edge of the building for a while, but I finally lost my balance. The night was too dark for me to see, but I could sense that it would be a long distance before I hit rock bottom.

I tried to scream, but nothing came out. I kept falling.

After a couple of minutes of panicky falling, I began wishing that I would just hit the bottom soon: the suspense was becoming unbearable, even more unbearable than the fear of pain and death.

After what felt like half an hour of weightlessness, I began feeling sure that I would not be hitting anything anytime soon.

A thought hit me: What if I were falling into some type of empty pit, falling down, down, down forever, and that I’ll grow old and die falling instead of after the fall?

Then it occurred to me that instead of being the end of my life, falling would be my life from now on. So I tried to enjoy it as much as I possibly can.

I calmed down and tried to dance in the air, flailing my arms in the pitch darkness that surrounded me. I also tried singing, but that worked out terribly, so I stopped to not kill my ears ahead of their time.

I was having a good time, and soon my fear and panic were ebbing out of me. But why did he push me over the edge of the building? Didn’t he care about me? What did I do? I told myself to quit thinking those thoughts: chances were that I would never see him again.

But tears were already flowing down my cheeks, two uncontrollable rivers gathering into an endless sea around my chin.

After some more crying and useless efforts at stemming the irrepressible flow of tears, I started to get hungry, realizing that I hadn’t eaten in at least a day and a half. But there was no food in the pitch dark.

I tried to sleep, to forget the fact that I was hungry with no prospect of food anytime soon. But my back pain from being suspended in basically the same position all the time thwarted any plans of shut-eye. Worse, I couldn’t keep my eyes open either.

I felt like I was on a constant roller coaster, going down, down, down, and my heart felt like it was going to pop out of my mouth anytime. At first, the feeling was a thrill, but then I began feeling lightheaded, and I wanted to puke.

Without anyone to talk to, But why did he push me over? Stop. Stop thinking those thoughts. You’re never seeing him again, remember?

Where was I? Oh, yeah, I didn’t have anyone to talk to. But that didn’t bother me too much: I needed some alone-time after the last couple of days. After all, I had basically lost all faith in humanity.

What is humanity anyway? Humane is just human with an e, but they are complete antonyms of each other, in my opinion.

People are always talking about unconditional, random acts of love and kindness, but I’ve learned the hard way that nothing in this world, I repeat, nothing, is unconditional.

For example, if you became crippled and stupid and difficult, who would stay by your bedside forever and actually give a shit? Sure, some parents do that, but otherwise, unless if it were to show off their own eternal righteousness or to reach some goal of their own, who would actually care for you?

Maybe three or four people out of the 7 billion in the world are lucky enough to say with confidence that no, I disagree with you, someone actually would give a fuck about me. But they are the lucky few. They are the lucky few.

And maybe the only thing worse than not being able to believe that someone cares is the feeling of betrayal that is left after you thought that a certain special someone cared, but that special someone turned out to be not-so-special after all, and, as a result, didn’t actually give a shit.

These thoughts torture me.

I am hungry, tired, nauseous, disappointed, everything at once. I want to go home so badly right now that I would even meet him again if it were to bring me home. Well, I guess this is what I get for falling down a pit with the depth of infinity.

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