The Closest Thing to a Diary That I Have Ever Kept

 

The day you walked out the door, a piece of me died, then they took you away, you just need to remember. – Blue Jeans, Lana del Rey

Being alone makes everything better, doesn’t it? Whether you’re in a megalopolis or a forest, being alone makes everything more enjoyable, less stressful. Am I antisocial? But the only place where being alone is bad news is when you’re in a little town where everyone knows each other. Then the stares make me shudder. I guess the reason why I feel as great in big cities as in Nature is ’cause once there’s more than a certain amt. of people, Alice, Bob & Dylan become Person 1, Person 2 & Person 3, just like Tree 1, Tree 2, & Tree 3. So I guess what stresses me out isn’t humans, it’s peopleindividuals.

It doesn’t matter anymore what anyone else thinks. I’ve had enough of their shit. Call me an introvert, antisocial. I just officially ran out of shits to give.

I wish I were Steve Jobs. Then I wouldn’t have to yield to society: I will mold it to yield to me. The people who called me insane two years ago will be kissing my ass two years later in what was a “Cult of Mac.” But first I guess I have to endure their shit to be able to become sb. like that.

Don’t think. Thinking only makes it worse.

Running, running, running, running from myself tonight. – Runnin’ (Lose It All), Beyoncé

The years pass and now I’m 13. I’ve made a vow to get sth. done by 13. Grades don’t count; I already have straight A+’s, & have had them for as long as I can remember. I’ve thought of starting a business.

It’s so funny. My mom may be less than 10 miles away, with her car, ready to drive me home, a city is possibly 5 miles away. And yet I’m stuck in a hell, a place so regimented that it’s driving me insane. It’s good practicar mi español, but being here for 13-ish days simply ain’t my idea of fun. But I got a scholarship (guaranteed, I did NOT know what I was signing up for), it’s good on a college transcript & the forest around it I usually escape into during Morning & Afternoon Recess. And not all the people here are assholes; one actually gives a shit. That’s always a good sign. But yet another complaint, the things they do here make no fucking sense whatsoever. They make these nonsense acts (that I semi-enjoy) before each meal, and we all have to scream & act out “Lights, Camaras, Action!” And this is just 1 example of the many ritualistic bullshits they subject us to here. But it’s a good learning experience, maybe not in Spanish grammar but in taking care of myself, dealing w/ people, etc. So I’ll make it through the sun drying out my eczema-prone skin (& no, sunscreen doesn’t always work on me, & I can’t always wear long pants) & regimented ritualistic bullshit. And being able to use a Global Citizen Scholarship is always an honor.

Tell me if you wanna go home, just tell me if I’m back on my own, giving back a heart that’s on loan. Just tell me if you wanna go home. – Tell Me If You Wanna Go Home, Keira Knightley (Begin Again OST)

But even the President of the United States sometimes has to stand naked. – It’s Alright Ma (I’m Only Bleeding), Bob Dylan

I’m just getting more & more worn out each day. And I watch as my precious 3 months of summer go by. This shithole is literally taking up 1/6 of my 3 months. Fuck. Just fuck. But I have to be grateful for my month in Thailand & my weeks at home.

I usually hate walking. But these walks are the only thing keeping me sane right now. I just saw my mom. That makes it worse. If I don’t think about it, I can actually get through these torturous days. But if I do, then all hell breaks loose. It has gotten better w/ some adjusting, but this place still disgusts & depresses me. Maybe a reason is ’cause I don’t actually learn anything here: the old Sra. back home taught me more in 1 year than these shitheads can in 20. To start, these people don’t have as much knowledge themselves as Sra. does. I bet that all of them put together don’t have the mind & brainpower of 1/2 a Sra. But “fuck it, it was something to do.” (I Took a Pill in Ibiza, Mike Posner)

I may have a crush on a gay guy. But my crushes are never serious; if I don’t see him for 2 days, chances are I’d have “forgotten all about” him (not literally, but in the sense of not crushing on him anymore).

I just want to go home now. I’m a little disgusted, repulsed, but mostly I’m just worn out. They think their shit is fun…I FUCKIN’ DON’T. But it’s not the “counselors'” fault. After all, they just act on the orders of older & grosser people. & the funny thing for me is that none of this is from “ill-will.” It’s just a difference of opinion on what’s fun & what’s not fun. I miss my computer, programming, & being alone. Now everyone else is “napping.” At least I can get some peace (except for someone who’s sobbing).

So just keep dancing, can’t stop the feeling, dance, dance, dance – Can’t Stop the Feeling!, Justin Timberlake

There’s a dance tonight. Everyone’s so excited; I don’t give a shit. It may be fun, it may be boring…”me da igual.” Winnie keeps following me. Can’t she give me some time to myself? I guess it’s just ’cause she doesn’t have anyone else to talk to. I feel bad for the bitch, but still, she’s a bitch. There’s another bitch too: this girl who always wears cropped tops & uber-short shorts. It’s not my business, but it’s still pretty fucking hilarious. She’s from this rich family who has afforded to send her here for, like, 10 years straight. I think it’s ridiculous: she’s still an “Intermediate.” But there’s a guy I might want to dance w/ tonight. He’s not too hot, but to me he’s attractive AF.

All I want is for him to be here, to kiss me & fuck me & tell me everything’s fine, that there’s just like 40% left & then we could go home or at least leave this fucking hell.

The dance last night was the 1st “party” I actually enjoyed.

Sometimes I wonder if it was just a lie, ’cause I’m not fine at all. – Amnesia, 5SOS

This entire social experiment has turned out amazingly well; I didn’t expect it to go 1/2 this well. I’m not as happy, but it has proven that I can make friends & I’ve found the “recipe” to having a good social life & choice friends. At least that worked out fine.

I thought it was their problem, now I know it’s mine. But I fixed it. Hopefully everything goes well from now on.

Questions of science, science & progress don’t speak as loud as my heart. I’m going back to the start. Nobody said it was easy, no one ever said it would be this hard. I’m going back to the start. – The Scientist, Coldplay

Pulled apart at the seams and it’s blue… – Colors, Halsey

My life is a mess right now. I’m sick & fucking tired of everyone & everything here. 2 weeks is too short to “live” & too long to just have fun. But I’m sure that even if it had been a year, I still wouldn’t be able to form permanent friendships/relationships. Good thing that when we go home none of us will actually remember another after, like, 3 days. I feel like I’m wasting my precious summer 3 months off here. Yesterday I actually had a little fun; today it turns out that that was an illusion. Fuck me in the ass. My life’s gone to shit.

 

ENDNOTES:

*For some time at Spanish camp, I felt very lonely and scared. Writing helped me a lot through these first couple of days. However, as time passed, I made some friends, had a little fun, practiced a LOT of Spanish, and learned not only Spanish but also the how-to to overcoming social anxiety and my insecurities. Hence, my need to write diminished, and I also threw myself into many activities, with the end result being that I ended up with less time to write. Therefore, you don’t get to see to many of my “happy” moments in this post; all you get to see for now is a rant. Sorry, guys.*

*Starting with a line from a song/poem has always been my way of overcoming “writer’s block,” hence all the song lyrics in blockquotes.*

*These were originally just random scribbles instead of a “diary”, and I did not want to edit anything; therefore, it is rather rough, with numerous errors. Also, I never felt the need to filter anything; therefore, I jotted down some things that were not actually serious thoughts/feelings.*

*The “gay guy” actually wasn’t gay; his sexual orientation was just an (un)educated guess by one of my best friends at camp. But anyway, you can probably imagine her facial expression when he told her the name of his girlfriend.*

*”Winnie” (no real names) was just a generally oblivious & passive person, and was bothering literally all of us by leaving things around (e.g. somehow she got her sheets on the floor, & the mess tripped me over) and borrowing literally everything from other people. What pissed me off even more was how she had an entire backpack of makeup and didn’t have even the essentials like insect repellent & sunscreen. To make things worse, she was on the top bunk next to me. The situation eventually got so annoying that I chewed her out. She literally cried for an entire night & was pissed for the rest of camp. Good riddance that I don’t have to see the bitch anymore.*

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