Something Else Happened Today

I’ve always felt like I’m the most depressed one in my class. Sure, others had their own problems, but I was the only one who just pretended to be fine but was fucked up on the inside.

Turns out I was wrong as wrong could be.

Turns out some others are even better actors than I am.

I can’t write any more. Maybe in time I’ll have recovered enough to write something decent about this, but right now, I just can’t.

 

i hate u, i love u, my dilemma

*Lyrics from My Dilemma 2.0 by Selena Gomez are in italics, my own additions are in block quotes, and the rest is from i hate u, i love u by the amazing gnash ft. Olivia O’Brien. BTW, i basically am obsessed w/ that song now – both of them are just too talented…*

Feeling used
But I’m
Still missing you
And I can’t
See the end of this
Just wanna feel your kiss
Against my lips
And now all this time
Is passing by
But I still can’t seem to tell you why
It hurts me every time I see you
Realize how much I need you

 

I hate you I love you
I hate that I love you
Don’t want to, but I can’t put
Nobody else above you
I hate you I love you
I hate that I want you
You want her, you need her
And I’ll never be her

 

Here’s my dilemma
One half of me wants ya
And the other half just wants to forget
My dilemma
From the moment I met ya
I just can’t get you out of my head
And I tell myself to run from you

 

But I miss you when I can’t sleep
Or right after coffee
Or right when I can’t eat
I miss you in my front seat
Still got sand in my sweaters
From nights we don’t remember
Do you miss me like I miss you?
Yes, I do.
Even more so, ’cause you were the only one who ever really understood me.
Insecure, I put on a poker face,
Try to pretend that I’m strong,
That I don’t hurt,
That I can play you,
That I can hurt others and not be hurt,
That I don’t need you,
That I’ve never loved you.
But I see you with her, and my heart breaks yet again.
I’m not jealous.
How could I be?
You belong with each other.
You never wanted that much to do with me in the first place.
It’s all just been in my head.
So, yes, I was the one who fucked up.
And I fucked up major.
Should’ve known you were out of my league,
Should’ve known to control my heart,
Should’ve known to not fall into love,
But now I’ve fallen, down, down into that goddamn trap, and I can’t come back up.
I hate you I love you
I hate that I love you
Don’t want to, but I can’t put
Nobody else above you
I hate you I love you
I hate that I want you
You want her, you need her
And I’ll never be her


If I pulled a you on you, you wouldn’t like that shit
I put this real out, but you wouldn’t bite that shit
I type a text but then I nevermind that shit
I got these feelings but you never mind that shit
Oh oh, keep it on the low
You’re still in love with me but your friends don’t know
If u wanted me you would just say so
And if I were you, I would never let me go


I don’t mean no harm
I just miss you on my arm
Wedding bells were just alarms
Caution tape around my heart
You ever wonder what we could have been?
You said you wouldn’t and you fucking did
Lie to me, lie with me, get your fucking fix
Now all my drinks and all my feelings are all fucking mixed
Always missing people that I shouldn’t be missing
Sometimes you gotta burn some bridges just to create some distance
I know that I control my thoughts and I should stop reminiscing
But I learned from my dad that it’s good to have feelings
When love and trust are gone
I guess this is moving on
Everyone I do right does me wrong
So every lonely night, I sing this song


I hate you I love you
I hate that I love you
Don’t want to, but I can’t put
Nobody else above you
I hate you I love you
I hate that I want you
You want her, you need her
And I’ll never be her
And I don’t want to be her.
All you’ll ever do is hurt her.
So I tell myself to run from you
But I find myself attracted to my dilemma,
My dilemma, it’s you, it’s you.


All alone I watch you watch her
Like she’s the only girl you’ve ever seen
You don’t care you never did
You don’t give a damn about me
Yeah all alone I watch you watch her
She’s the only thing you’ve ever seen
How is it you’ll never notice
That you are slowly killing me


I hate you I love you
I hate that I love you
Don’t want to, but I can’t put
Nobody else above you
I hate you I love you
I hate that I want you
You want her, you need her
And I’ll never be her
I know this is just a liminal phase.
I will get over you.
I will get over you.
I will get over you.
have to get over you.
And, oh, I tell myself to run from you,
But I find myself attracted to my dilemma; I just can’t get you out of my head.



‘Cause I’m always tired but never of you.

An Unlikely Mashup

Beautiful girls all over the world
I could be chasing but my time would be wasted
They got nothin’ on you baby
Nothin’ on you baby
They might say hi and I might say
Hey soul sister, I don’t wanna miss a single thing you do…
Tonight, we are young.
We’re gonna
Set fire to the rain,
Watch it pour as I touch your face,
Well, it burned while I cried
‘Cause I heard it screaming out your name, your name.
 When laying with you
I could stay there
Close my eyes
Feel you here forever
You and me together
Nothing gets
I didn’t know I was lonely
’til I tasted you
Don’t need no butterflies when you give me the whole damn zoo
By the way, by the way, you do things to my body
I didn’t know that I was starving
So
Say my name, say my name
‘Cause
My youth, my youth is yours
Trippin’ on skies, sippin’ waterfalls
My youth, my youth is yours
Runaway now and forevermore
My youth, my youth is yours
A truth so loud you can’t ignore
My youth, my youth, my youth
My youth is yours
What if, what if we start to
Drive away from all the mess you made
You sent this hurricane now it won’t go away
‘Cause you came in like a
All that you been, you been waiting for
In the daylight,
we’ll be on our own
But

Not enough rooms in this house
To hold all the treasures we found
Evidence of us all around
Your fingerprints all over who I am now
We wished on these stars, they were ours
They remind me of you
I’m still letting you go
Don’t let me go, don’t let me go
Won’t let you go, don’t let me go.

A Thought from a Rainy, Lonely Afternoon at Camp

Running, running, running,
away from the monster of a shadow that chases me.

Turning, turning, turning,
only to find the shadow to be no more than just a shade of myself.

Looking, looking, looking
around for a direction to escape, only to find none.

Screaming, screaming, screaming,
as the shadow enlarges and gets reflected across the walls that close in around me.

Crying, crying, crying,
for the confusion, the nausea, the thousands of nameless phobias that haunt me.

Shouting, shouting, shouting
for help, only to find myself alone with the shadow that grows bigger and more powerful with every new shout.

Collapsing, collapsing, collapsing,
as I find the world whirling in a merry-go-round, growing darker and more confusing with every second that passes.

Shutting, shutting, shutting
my eyes in the pitch dark, as the shadow blocks out the sole remnant sliver of light.

Trying, trying, trying
to open them again centuries later, only to find that my eyelids have become forever glued to my eyeballs.

Standing, standing, standing
up in my own perceived eternal darkness, while the world lights up around me.

Blundering, blundering, blundering
through my internal maze filled with an infinite number of walls, while the walls outside recede and dissolve into thin air.