Ghost

I scream your name in my nightmares.
I thought it was over.
So why is your ghost here knocking at the door?

You taught me to enjoy the now,
‘cause a forever is only made of ever so many of them.

Yes, you told me to forget forever,
‘cause we always knew we weren’t going to last.
You told me that neither a tsunami’s revolting aftermath nor its ephemerality can make its enormous, dangerous waves any less beautiful.

You gave me courage,
Yes, courage,
Or at least enough of it for me to look Past in the eye and tell it to go fuck itself,
Enough of it for me to look Future in the eye and say “yes, I’m ready for whatever you bring.”
Enough of it for me to look Present in the eye and say “I love you,”
Enough of it for me to embrace change.

Yes, you let me enjoy change,
with your beautiful smiling eyes, the color of which I never quite put my finger on, probably because they themselves were always changing.
How ironic that I don’t enjoy this status change to single.

Even thinking of you makes me dizzy, lightheaded, nauseous.
What has happened to my former sane self?

Crazy at a 2 a.m. on a Saturday, I can’t help wondering if you regret things too;
I can’t help thinking, hoping even, that you may be scribbling the same tropes in your house, maybe on a Tuesday night after you’re tired from that stupid-ass job you’d always hated even more than eating the cookie parts of an Oreo.

But no, I’m sure you’ve moved on.
Your ghost told me that you’re doing just fine;
Yes, he did,
in that same sexy motherfucking voice as the one I’ll always remember in that moment you told me everything was going to turn out just fine.

But maybe that’s just a surface impression.
‘Cause I’ve moved on too, on the surface at least.

Quit thinking. Shut your eyes. Sleep, I tell myself, but to no avail.
No, I don’t obey my own orders, no, not when your ghost is ready to burst in through the door with a laugh and a “You won’t believe what happened today.”

I never showed you the darkest parts of me,
No, not the most horrendous impulses,
No, never the horrific thoughts from the dried blood on the stitches in my heart.

But still I think you knew,
Yeah, you did.

And you weaned me from them,
Somehow,
You did it, with your perfect smile,
Yes, Demon, you did have the smile of a fucking Angel.

But it’s fine.
Yeah, it’s alright.
I’m only bleeding.

I’ve Got 35 Questions Why

  1. Why don’t I have a dog?
  2. Why would anyone not like art?
  3. Why is Twitter so. fucking. addicting?
  4. Why does milk taste so horrible?
  5. Why are some people considered cute, others sexy, and others plain/ugly?
  6. Why is the legal age for adulthood 21? (I would like to know just what the fuck was going on in those legislators’ minds when they decided 21, not 24, not 27, not 18, not 16, not 13, was the magical age where everyone matures into a full-fledged adult.)
  7. Why do school lunches taste so bad?
  8. Why are all furry animals so adorable?
  9. Why are some people perceived as smarter than average?
  10. Why are people so inhibited all the time?
  11. Why are fantasy books so popular among so many people?
  12. Why would anyone not like cheese baked spinach?
  13. Why exactly do some people get so. fucking. filthy. rich? (I know every single billionaire probably has some different answer to this question, & I’ve read up a bunch on quite a few of these people, but still…)
  14. Why do people gossip about each other so much?
  15. Why are there people who don’t like Hawaiian pizza?
  16. Why is the world always in a natural state of competition?
  17. Why do people’s lives get so centered around worrying?
  18. Why are most country’s currencies made out of paper/cloth fiber instead of something more durable, like the Australian plastic notes?
  19. Why are so many people so satisfied with mediocrity?
  20. Why does nobody seem to understand me?
  21. Why does my social situation seem to get worse the more that I try to make it better?
  22. Why are some people just naturally charming and socially competent?
  23. Why do so many people use and love snapchat so much?
  24. Why is the legal working age 16? (Again, I would like to know just what the fuck was going on in those legislators’ minds…)
  25. Why do I stress so much over the tiniest details of life?
  26. Why can’t I be like the people I admire?
  27. Why is life so short, yet so long at the same time?
  28. Why do most people never live life to its fullest, then regret everything when they’re 89 and toothless and the lights are about to be turned out?
  29. Why have I always been an outcast to society?
  30. Why do so many people’s lives seem so great on the outside while they’re falling apart on the inside?
  31. Why do we all get laughed at when we try to be our real imperfect selves instead of putting on thick masks of fake perfection, like society forces us to do?
  32. Why are everyone’s lives the exact same, except for maybe some tiny minutiae of names and specific events?
  33. Why do we all have to be alive then, because lives exactly the same to those of our own have already been lived so many times over and are still being lived by everyone, everywhere around us?
  34. Why is life like this?
  35. Why? Just why the fuck…?

Something Else Happened Today

I’ve always felt like I’m the most depressed one in my class. Sure, others had their own problems, but I was the only one who just pretended to be fine but was fucked up on the inside.

Turns out I was wrong as wrong could be.

Turns out some others are even better actors than I am.

I can’t write any more. Maybe in time I’ll have recovered enough to write something decent about this, but right now, I just can’t.

 

i hate u, i love u, my dilemma

*Lyrics from My Dilemma 2.0 by Selena Gomez are in italics, my own additions are in block quotes, and the rest is from i hate u, i love u by the amazing gnash ft. Olivia O’Brien. BTW, i basically am obsessed w/ that song now – both of them are just too talented…*

Feeling used
But I’m
Still missing you
And I can’t
See the end of this
Just wanna feel your kiss
Against my lips
And now all this time
Is passing by
But I still can’t seem to tell you why
It hurts me every time I see you
Realize how much I need you

 

I hate you I love you
I hate that I love you
Don’t want to, but I can’t put
Nobody else above you
I hate you I love you
I hate that I want you
You want her, you need her
And I’ll never be her

 

Here’s my dilemma
One half of me wants ya
And the other half just wants to forget
My dilemma
From the moment I met ya
I just can’t get you out of my head
And I tell myself to run from you

 

But I miss you when I can’t sleep
Or right after coffee
Or right when I can’t eat
I miss you in my front seat
Still got sand in my sweaters
From nights we don’t remember
Do you miss me like I miss you?
Yes, I do.
Even more so, ’cause you were the only one who ever really understood me.
Insecure, I put on a poker face,
Try to pretend that I’m strong,
That I don’t hurt,
That I can play you,
That I can hurt others and not be hurt,
That I don’t need you,
That I’ve never loved you.
But I see you with her, and my heart breaks yet again.
I’m not jealous.
How could I be?
You belong with each other.
You never wanted that much to do with me in the first place.
It’s all just been in my head.
So, yes, I was the one who fucked up.
And I fucked up major.
Should’ve known you were out of my league,
Should’ve known to control my heart,
Should’ve known to not fall into love,
But now I’ve fallen, down, down into that goddamn trap, and I can’t come back up.
I hate you I love you
I hate that I love you
Don’t want to, but I can’t put
Nobody else above you
I hate you I love you
I hate that I want you
You want her, you need her
And I’ll never be her


If I pulled a you on you, you wouldn’t like that shit
I put this real out, but you wouldn’t bite that shit
I type a text but then I nevermind that shit
I got these feelings but you never mind that shit
Oh oh, keep it on the low
You’re still in love with me but your friends don’t know
If u wanted me you would just say so
And if I were you, I would never let me go


I don’t mean no harm
I just miss you on my arm
Wedding bells were just alarms
Caution tape around my heart
You ever wonder what we could have been?
You said you wouldn’t and you fucking did
Lie to me, lie with me, get your fucking fix
Now all my drinks and all my feelings are all fucking mixed
Always missing people that I shouldn’t be missing
Sometimes you gotta burn some bridges just to create some distance
I know that I control my thoughts and I should stop reminiscing
But I learned from my dad that it’s good to have feelings
When love and trust are gone
I guess this is moving on
Everyone I do right does me wrong
So every lonely night, I sing this song


I hate you I love you
I hate that I love you
Don’t want to, but I can’t put
Nobody else above you
I hate you I love you
I hate that I want you
You want her, you need her
And I’ll never be her
And I don’t want to be her.
All you’ll ever do is hurt her.
So I tell myself to run from you
But I find myself attracted to my dilemma,
My dilemma, it’s you, it’s you.


All alone I watch you watch her
Like she’s the only girl you’ve ever seen
You don’t care you never did
You don’t give a damn about me
Yeah all alone I watch you watch her
She’s the only thing you’ve ever seen
How is it you’ll never notice
That you are slowly killing me


I hate you I love you
I hate that I love you
Don’t want to, but I can’t put
Nobody else above you
I hate you I love you
I hate that I want you
You want her, you need her
And I’ll never be her
I know this is just a liminal phase.
I will get over you.
I will get over you.
I will get over you.
have to get over you.
And, oh, I tell myself to run from you,
But I find myself attracted to my dilemma; I just can’t get you out of my head.



‘Cause I’m always tired but never of you.

An Unlikely Mashup

Beautiful girls all over the world
I could be chasing but my time would be wasted
They got nothin’ on you baby
Nothin’ on you baby
They might say hi and I might say
Hey soul sister, I don’t wanna miss a single thing you do…
Tonight, we are young.
We’re gonna
Set fire to the rain,
Watch it pour as I touch your face,
Well, it burned while I cried
‘Cause I heard it screaming out your name, your name.
 When laying with you
I could stay there
Close my eyes
Feel you here forever
You and me together
Nothing gets
I didn’t know I was lonely
’til I tasted you
Don’t need no butterflies when you give me the whole damn zoo
By the way, by the way, you do things to my body
I didn’t know that I was starving
So
Say my name, say my name
‘Cause
My youth, my youth is yours
Trippin’ on skies, sippin’ waterfalls
My youth, my youth is yours
Runaway now and forevermore
My youth, my youth is yours
A truth so loud you can’t ignore
My youth, my youth, my youth
My youth is yours
What if, what if we start to
Drive away from all the mess you made
You sent this hurricane now it won’t go away
‘Cause you came in like a
All that you been, you been waiting for
In the daylight,
we’ll be on our own
But

Not enough rooms in this house
To hold all the treasures we found
Evidence of us all around
Your fingerprints all over who I am now
We wished on these stars, they were ours
They remind me of you
I’m still letting you go
Don’t let me go, don’t let me go
Won’t let you go, don’t let me go.

A Thought from a Rainy, Lonely Afternoon at Camp

Running, running, running,
away from the monster of a shadow that chases me.

Turning, turning, turning,
only to find the shadow to be no more than just a shade of myself.

Looking, looking, looking
around for a direction to escape, only to find none.

Screaming, screaming, screaming,
as the shadow enlarges and gets reflected across the walls that close in around me.

Crying, crying, crying,
for the confusion, the nausea, the thousands of nameless phobias that haunt me.

Shouting, shouting, shouting
for help, only to find myself alone with the shadow that grows bigger and more powerful with every new shout.

Collapsing, collapsing, collapsing,
as I find the world whirling in a merry-go-round, growing darker and more confusing with every second that passes.

Shutting, shutting, shutting
my eyes in the pitch dark, as the shadow blocks out the sole remnant sliver of light.

Trying, trying, trying
to open them again centuries later, only to find that my eyelids have become forever glued to my eyeballs.

Standing, standing, standing
up in my own perceived eternal darkness, while the world lights up around me.

Blundering, blundering, blundering
through my internal maze filled with an infinite number of walls, while the walls outside recede and dissolve into thin air.