I can’t anymore.
This has been bugging me for the past I don’t know how long, but I feel I finally have to get it out. Long story short, I don’t think I actually give a shit about anything anymore.
Almost all the people I have ever known have turned out to be fakes, and now I’ve lost approximately 99% of my faith in humanity.
I used to try to change my personality so that more people would like me more. Now I simply can’t give a shit – first off, no matter how much I change my personality, people will hate me; and second, no matter how much people smile to your face, half of them will stab you in the back.
And if you didn’t know, that fucking hurts.
But to get to the beginning of all this…
I’ve spent my entire life on the margins of society. At five years old, I was that one kid with whom nobody wanted to play. At ten years old, I was that one kid who talked about things in which nobody in my age group was interested. At fourteen years old, I’ve still never hung out outside of school with a single person.
I’ve always tried to get people to like me, to make friends, to get the people I love to love me back. But I’ve never actually succeeded in any of these attempts – I shit you not when I say that literally everything hates me; I’ve never had an acquaintance you can call a friend until a couple years earlier, and I cannot actually even talk to this aforementioned “friend,” because whenever I talk to her about anything that’s not G-rated, she immediately changes the subject to Disney or something equally innocent; also, I suspect that I’ve never earned the love of anybody.
So here’s my dilemma.
People think I have a perfect life – I get the best grades in class, get medals from what they think are big, important, statewide competitions, have made money from business and stock ventures, am the youngest one in our entire high school, have a seemingly good family, and have lived in and traveled to many different places, so why wouldn’t they think that? To make matters worse, I think I somehow am scared of ripping that mask off and telling them my life isn’t a bed of roses either (b/c some are currently jealous, and I’d rather let them be that way than look down upon me?), which means I can never talk to them about my problems, and which is also exactly why I blog – if I never let this out, I will physically explode in tears. As things are right now, I’ve never cried in public.
What people don’t know, anyways, is that all of my success comes from my insecurity and mental/emotional issues.
They don’t realize that while a small lack of confidence just leads to shy or awkward behavior, its complete nonexistence can make a person accomplish things other people would only associate with successful, confident people at the helm of society. They don’t realize that completely insecure people feel such a strong need to prove to both themselves and the rest of the world that they are actually not worthless and that to do so, they work themselves to the brink of exhaustion if only toward achieving that depthless end.
And to make matters worse, there oftentimes is no ceiling to this sick ambition.
If you have all A’s, you don’t feel adequate until you get all A+’s. If you have all A+’s, you don’t feel adequate until you are the best orator in the class. If you are the best orator in the class, you don’t feel adequate until you are the best orator in the nation. If you are the best orator in the nation, you don’t feel adequate until you make a million dollars. If you have a million dollars, you don’t feel adequate until you have a billion.
So…yeah. Sadly there’s always room for improvement, and that means that there’s always ways of pointing out to myself that I’m not good enough.
Also, on an off note, because I’m so scared of loving him, I’ve noticed I’m pretty mean to the guy I’m crushing on…which is really okay, because 1) he’s more or less a fuckboy, and 2) I am almost positive he hates me.
By the way, the people who really bother me aren’t the ones who say to your face they hate you; instead, the ones that bother me the most are the ones who are nice to your face and stab you in the back. Can’t everyone be at least courageous enough to not be such a multi-faced fake? Moreover, what irritates me is that society tells people to be “polite” ever since they’re young, setting them up for this type of asshole-ish, confusing behavior later on in life.
When some kid in my class tried to kill herself a couple weeks ago, I was sort of shocked, but now, after reflecting on everything, it’s not really a surprise why she decided to do that. I still feel bad for her and would help her if I could, but now I understand why. I think I might really understand why she did it.
But all this doesn’t mean I don’t have a heart – I think I do, it’s just that after certain experiences, you just can’t love anymore, unless if you count that type of twisted love-hate as genuine love.