Something Else Happened Today

I’ve always felt like I’m the most depressed one in my class. Sure, others had their own problems, but I was the only one who just pretended to be fine but was fucked up on the inside.

Turns out I was wrong as wrong could be.

Turns out some others are even better actors than I am.

I can’t write any more. Maybe in time I’ll have recovered enough to write something decent about this, but right now, I just can’t.


Sometimes Righteousness Is in the Minority, Even the Minority of One

*This post will be bilingual. For Spanish, scroll down. Also, I’ve only been learning Spanish for around 4 years, so please feel free to correct any errors.*

Image result for minority of one

English Version:

Some of the best people I’ve ever known are minorities of one, “outsiders” who stood up for what they know to be right. Though they knew they never had a chance against the majority’s opposition, they still kept fighting and standing strong, refusing to violate their conscience or compromise their integrity despite whatever pressures they faced. Today society and bureaucracy beat down yet another such acquaintance, teacher, and friend of mine, simply because she refused to give people grades high enough to satisfy the wishes of certain indolent students and their doting parents. In her teaching philosophy, we students have to really study, to really work hard every day in order to learn. Then, the good grades will come naturally. But people who never understood this fact and decided early on to neither work nor learn anything at school complained about bad grades. The school administration decided to support them and pressured her to resign. Knowing the administration will fire her sooner or later, she handed in her resignation letter this morning. Naturally, this happened to many tears on the part of some, and to great joy on the part of many others. A student even announced a party to celebrate the end to having to deal with the “Panamanian devil.” Though he was obviously joking, it still depresses me to zoom out and think about the bigger picture. Have we, as a society, really sold out to just mere numbers? Whether using numbers after a dollar sign or numbers before a percentage sign, we as a materialistic culture seek to quantify things too much and refuse to hold ourselves up to moral standards and ethical convictions, deeming them inconvenient and a burden in the constant battle for more, more, more.

Thank you, Sra. G., for all that you have taught me, not only in Spanish but also in life, and for setting such a great example by being such an amazing person. I sincerely wish you happiness and good luck in everything that you aspire to do.


Versión española:

Algunas de las mejores personas que he conocido son minorías de solamente una, “forasteras” que defienden lo que sepan ser correcto. Aunque siempre sabían que nunca tenían ni la menor oportunidad contra la oposición de la mayoridad, seguían luchando y manteniéndose fuertes, rehusándose a violar su conciencia o a comprometer su integridad a pesar de todas las presiones que se enfrentaban. Hoy la sociedad y la burocracia suprimieron todavía tal otra conocida, maestra, y amiga mía, simplemente porque se rehusaba a darles a estudiantes notas suficientemente altas para satisfacer los deseos de algunos estudiantes perezosos y sus padres. En su filosofía de enseñanza, nosotros como estudiantes tenemos que realmente estudiar, realmente trabajar duro todos los días para aprender. Luego, las buenas notas vendrán naturalmente. Pero las personas que nunca entendían este hecho y que decidieron muy temprano de no aprender nada en la escuela se quejaban sobre sus malas notas. La administración de la escuela decidió de sostenerlas y la presionó para que renuncie su trabajo. Sabiendo que la administración la despedirá tarde o temprano, entregó su carta de renunciación esta mañana. Naturalmente, todo esto sucedió para muchas lágrimas por algunos, y para mucha alegría por muchos otros. Un estudiante incluso anunció una fiesta para celebrar el final de tener que tratar con el “diablo panameño.” Aunque obviamente bromeaba cuando lo dijo, todavía me hace deprimida pensar sobre el panorama completo, la perspectiva general. ¿Hemos nosotros, como una sociedad, de verdad traicionado nuestras conciencias para solamente números? Utilizando números detrás de un signo de dólar o números ante un signo de porcentaje, nosotros como una cultura materialista tratamos demasiado de cuantificar cosas y nos rehusamos a permanecer en un nivel de comportamiento moral y convicciones éticas, pensando que son pocos convenientes y una carga en la constante lucha para más, más, más.

Gracias, Sra. G., por todo lo que me ha enseñado, no sólo sobre el español pero también sobre la vida, y por fijar un tal buen ejemplo por ser una tal gran persona. Sinceramente le deseo la felicidad y la buena suerte en todo lo que aspire a hacer.

3 Types of Leaders

*Disclaimer: this may be a gross overgeneralization, but this may come from the fact that now I am completely fed up w/ most-all authority.*

The “Rebel Leader”
Isn’t this pretty much self-explanatory? The Steve Jobs-esque guy who’s completely fed up w/ all the shit of this world & wants to create something new, even a new world order? But anyway, this type of leader is subdivided into two major subcategories.

a. The “Mother Teresa”

This is the eternal saint, the one who plans to change the world for the better, but conscientiously, gently, kindly. This is also the leader whom everyone loves.

b. The “Steve Jobs”

Jobs was a visionary asshole. He was willing to fire longtime employees w/o prior notice whatsoever (or severance pay) just to keep his company alive & cut down costs. This type may also be the essential tyrant, but at least he’s a tyrant w/ a visionary goal, a goal higher than just $, power, & more $.


The one who actually believes in the current status quo

No matter the fact that they’re already thirty-eight; these unthinking “sheeple” never grown up from that five-year-old mindset that the teacher or the parent is always right. They follow every rule & are “model citizens” in every atom of their being, not because they have to do so in order to keep themselves out of trouble, but because they actually believe that it is only right to do so, and many even bring morals and fucking ethics into the argument – if you’ve broken one goddamn tiny-ass rule, they’ll say you’re being an unethical, horrible person, no matter how stupid or unfair the rule is. These are the ones who made the Nazi Party what it was, with the Holocaust and all the casualties of WWII. They’re the ones who made the Soviet Union what it was, with all the gulags and oppression. In brief, most of the world’s large-scale evil can be traced back to these shitheads.


The “ruthless manipulator”

This type of leader simply doesn’t have a conscience. (S)He may be a demagogue, a firebrand who manipulates the masses’ anger to his/her own benefit and to increase his/her own power. A highly controversial example of this may be Napoleon Bonaparte, though, as I said, this is controversial and debatable, since some may actually argue that he belongs to type 1b). But that’s a little arbitrary: the type of ruthless manipulator that I hate the most is not the demagogue type; rather, it’s the type who flatters & sucks up to superiors & fucks others over, who pretends to be Type 2 though Type 3 fits the bill a hell of a lot more, as they act just to benefit themselves, oftentimes at the expense of numerous others.

I Wish Things Didn’t Make Me Want to Kill Myself


I hate being suicidal.

I hate being insecure.

I hate being fucking depressed.

I hate being negative about everything.

I hate being unable to tell anyone anything.

I hate having to act the same damn part 24/7.

I hate circling 1’s for all the mental illness symptoms on all my physical examinations when the honest answer is probably a 10.

I hate never trusting anyone or anything enough to talk about anything even remotely close to my heart to them, least of all myself.

I hate hating people, humans who have many good qualities but in whom I can only see the bad, but most of all myself.

I hate my many little social oversights resulting in such a damn big public relations debacle.

I hate being the kid who has the perfect life until you find out it all isn’t so perfect.

I hate being Madness Behind the Beauty.

I hate being stuck in this situation.

I hate being so hated.

I hate being me.

Existential Dread…?

*Disclaimer: These are just the thoughts of me in a weird mood…also, I sincerely apologize in advance for the numerous phrases/sentences in parentheses & quote marks; the only reasons they exist are b/c I do not want anyone confused/getting the wrong impression, & I really was feeling quite cynical while writing this…*

With the advent of a new year, I’ve been thinking a lot about the future lately. And yes, I’ve been thinking, and thinking, and thinking, and…dreading.

The way I think about it, life really is quite pointless.

No matter how great the lives we live, at the end it’s all pretty similar: we are born, we grow up (with varying amounts of time in the education system, but most of us reading this probably have had at least a couple years of schooling), we work till we can’t anymore, we retire, we wait for death, declining in facilities both mental & physical, and then we die.

Somewhere between school & retirement most of us find a spouse & produce a family. Then more than half of us in America get divorced (& some, I presume, remarry).

And we are similar even in the “simple pleasures of life”: in our youth, it’s getting away w/ breaking some minor rule or getting an extra piece of candy; in our adolescence, it may be finally getting to date a romantic interest (“crush”), getting drunk/high for the first time, or getting into our dream college; in our adulthood, it’s getting a raise or watching kids play & grow up; in our old age, it’s having our kids & friends visit us, & potentially reminisce over past achievements. And of course, through all this, there’s always the pleasure of watching a tweet/blog post gain a gazillion views/likes…:)

But anyway, for me, life has basically become an institution with no escape. And of course, many of us die before we can complete the whole birth-to-death “routine,” but in a developed country like the U.S., that does not happen too often. (And of course, it shouldn’t. It really is heart-wrenching when a child w/ a potentially bright future gets taken away for no good reason.)

Some are more “successful” (I’ll explain the reason behind the quote marks in a later post) than others during this routine, but no matter who we are, we all end up the same way: dead. (And, no, I am not going to go into theology here.)

So even if you invent a million things, make a billion brilliant ideas come true, make the world do a 180 on the way it sees things, and make twenty billion dollars, “ya can’t take it with ya.” Sure, posterity will be able to use those things, but posterity will also be dead sooner or later, and they can’t take it w/ them, so, really, what’s the fucking point?

But the saddest thing, in my opinion, however, is that even though we’re all so similar, we still can’t seem to get along: I mean, just look at the Presidential Election, terrorism, etc., and even the minor day-to-day jealous quibbles between coworkers & child/teen struggles w/ bullying/”high school drama” (a.k.a. generally mean folk).

I really don’t know how to end this post, except that even though we’re all doomed, I think we should at least try not to make our own lives & other people’s lives harder & more miserable than they have to be…happy 2K17, everyone?

Top 10 Ways We Can Begin to Change the World (for the Better) in 2017

Santa creepy, hurry down the chimney tonight…?

First off, merry Christmas everyone! I think I haven’t posted in a month b/c finals, art, competitions, crap from my life, more crap from my life, and more crap from my life, so I better get started here…

Today, I thought, keeping with the festive Christmas (& end-of-2016) theme, I should post something about changing the world, especially for the better. Some are things that we mere mortals can do in our everyday lives; others will have to be done by charitable billionaires (Bill Gates u listenin’?) or organizations, but here are just my Top 10 Ideas for Changing the World in 2K17.

10. (Actually) Help a Homeless Person

This doesn’t have to be enormous: sometimes, just smiling & greeting them helps by cheering them up. If you have some odd jobs that you can offer them, then this is even better. They gain experience, money, a sense of accomplishment, and a potential career beginning as people see that they are skilled at something. That then may lead to a part-/full-time job, meaning that they can start on the road of becoming self-sufficient, which, in my opinion, should be the ultimate goal for not just financially distressed people, but for everyone. Of course, direct monetary & material donations help too, but there’s a saying somewhere along the lines of “Give a man a fish, & you feed him for a day; teach a man how to fish, & you feed him for a lifetime.”

9. Help the Environment…And Yourself

Retailers are now officially giving you free stuff (& coupons/gift cards) to recycle their products. Check out 10 of these retail chains right here!

8. Donate a Cell Phone

Though cell phones have gotten a bad rap from modern American society, I can’t help but expound their virtues. They are cheap, easy to use, and sturdy (especially Nokia phones; I have one myself, and I’ve probably dropped it at least 25 times (no joke), w/o any visible effect to the function of the phone). They’re also completely life-changing – w/ instant connection to the rest of the world, people can find job opportunities, dial someone for homework help, and, in some extreme cases, escape oppression, like in the example of Donna Rosario, as depicted by Charles C. Mann in his book 1493. Rosario, a Brazilian farmer, was at risk of having her land unlawfully confiscated by (corrupt) gov’t officials backed by Brazilian & international corporations. However, she was able to dial her lawyer when land inspectors came to confiscate her farm, and in the end she kept her farm, a very happy outcome considering how her parents’ farm, among others, was confiscated unlawfully just a couple of decades ago.

7. Give Poor Communities Internet/Phone Access

Image result for laptops cheap

I honestly think that connecting the world is probably the best way to alleviate poverty: if you look into the stats, most of the countries w/ the smallest GDPs are landlocked. Many, especially those in sub-Saharan Africa, are not poor in natural resources – they’ve got a decent climate for crops and numerous natural resources, such as gold. All they need is some method of “getting out” & connecting w/ the rest of the world.

Also, unless we have an unlimited supply of money, it’s not sustainable to keep donating money toward feeding these communities; what we need is to “teach them to fish,” to continue the metaphor begun in #10.

With the advent of phones & the Internet, it is easier than ever to connect the world. What we need is people to organize communities’ attempts toward connecting themselves: I propose establishing satellite connection in all inhabited areas, and having the communities pool money toward buying a computer & a phone each. Then, the inhabitants can share the computer & phone, getting, say, an hour per person per week of internet & phone time. Though it’s not much to us people living in developed countries, it can be 1) an enormous boon to education & job-training, 2) a way of connecting w/ others & opening the eyes to other cultures/places, 3) great for finding job opportunities & selling stuff online, and 4) fun – I mean, who doesn’t like looking at Twitter wars once in a while?

If the said community is, however, too poor to pool money for this type of purpose, then I propose having several communities pool money for a low-end Android smartphone (b/c iPhones are just too expensive – high-end ones cost almost $1000, while I’ve found $10 Android phones). If 12 communities come together, they can get 1 month each of smartphone time per year, and each community only has to pay less than a dollar to buy the smartphone. And I say smartphone instead of cell phone here, as people can both surf the web & call people using them. However, if it’s just for the individual, sometimes even $10 for a phone is too much – according to this website, South Sudan’s annual GDP per capita is just over $210.

6. Micro-Loans

Sometimes, even a loan of $20 can change a life. Read more about micro-loans here.

5. Reduce Trash

Need I say more?

*Also, kudos to this BuzzFeed producer for trying to make no trash for 30 days!*

4. Use Less Paper

Seriously, though, I actually know a guy who calls himself eco-friendly albeit having printed out his entire 700-page Chemistry e-Book & hand-writing all his papers & homework.

3. Talk to Someone Random

Who knows? You might gain a new friend, that person might need someone to talk to… Anyways, what’s there to lose?

2. Quit Wasting Food

The next time you go to a restaurant, consider taking your leftovers home in a box instead of having the waiter/waitress dump them; it really makes a difference. Not only are you saving yourself money by not having to buy yourself unnecessary food, but you are also helping the environment & people in need. Supermarket retailers, read this article to see what France is doing to alleviate their own food wastage problem.

1. Smile

It really can make someone’s day, beside being scientifically proven to change your own mood for the better.

i hate u, i love u, my dilemma

*Lyrics from My Dilemma 2.0 by Selena Gomez are in italics, my own additions are in block quotes, and the rest is from i hate u, i love u by the amazing gnash ft. Olivia O’Brien. BTW, i basically am obsessed w/ that song now – both of them are just too talented…*

Feeling used
But I’m
Still missing you
And I can’t
See the end of this
Just wanna feel your kiss
Against my lips
And now all this time
Is passing by
But I still can’t seem to tell you why
It hurts me every time I see you
Realize how much I need you


I hate you I love you
I hate that I love you
Don’t want to, but I can’t put
Nobody else above you
I hate you I love you
I hate that I want you
You want her, you need her
And I’ll never be her


Here’s my dilemma
One half of me wants ya
And the other half just wants to forget
My dilemma
From the moment I met ya
I just can’t get you out of my head
And I tell myself to run from you


But I miss you when I can’t sleep
Or right after coffee
Or right when I can’t eat
I miss you in my front seat
Still got sand in my sweaters
From nights we don’t remember
Do you miss me like I miss you?
Yes, I do.
Even more so, ’cause you were the only one who ever really understood me.
Insecure, I put on a poker face,
Try to pretend that I’m strong,
That I don’t hurt,
That I can play you,
That I can hurt others and not be hurt,
That I don’t need you,
That I’ve never loved you.
But I see you with her, and my heart breaks yet again.
I’m not jealous.
How could I be?
You belong with each other.
You never wanted that much to do with me in the first place.
It’s all just been in my head.
So, yes, I was the one who fucked up.
And I fucked up major.
Should’ve known you were out of my league,
Should’ve known to control my heart,
Should’ve known to not fall into love,
But now I’ve fallen, down, down into that goddamn trap, and I can’t come back up.
I hate you I love you
I hate that I love you
Don’t want to, but I can’t put
Nobody else above you
I hate you I love you
I hate that I want you
You want her, you need her
And I’ll never be her

If I pulled a you on you, you wouldn’t like that shit
I put this real out, but you wouldn’t bite that shit
I type a text but then I nevermind that shit
I got these feelings but you never mind that shit
Oh oh, keep it on the low
You’re still in love with me but your friends don’t know
If u wanted me you would just say so
And if I were you, I would never let me go

I don’t mean no harm
I just miss you on my arm
Wedding bells were just alarms
Caution tape around my heart
You ever wonder what we could have been?
You said you wouldn’t and you fucking did
Lie to me, lie with me, get your fucking fix
Now all my drinks and all my feelings are all fucking mixed
Always missing people that I shouldn’t be missing
Sometimes you gotta burn some bridges just to create some distance
I know that I control my thoughts and I should stop reminiscing
But I learned from my dad that it’s good to have feelings
When love and trust are gone
I guess this is moving on
Everyone I do right does me wrong
So every lonely night, I sing this song

I hate you I love you
I hate that I love you
Don’t want to, but I can’t put
Nobody else above you
I hate you I love you
I hate that I want you
You want her, you need her
And I’ll never be her
And I don’t want to be her.
All you’ll ever do is hurt her.
So I tell myself to run from you
But I find myself attracted to my dilemma,
My dilemma, it’s you, it’s you.

All alone I watch you watch her
Like she’s the only girl you’ve ever seen
You don’t care you never did
You don’t give a damn about me
Yeah all alone I watch you watch her
She’s the only thing you’ve ever seen
How is it you’ll never notice
That you are slowly killing me

I hate you I love you
I hate that I love you
Don’t want to, but I can’t put
Nobody else above you
I hate you I love you
I hate that I want you
You want her, you need her
And I’ll never be her
I know this is just a liminal phase.
I will get over you.
I will get over you.
I will get over you.
have to get over you.
And, oh, I tell myself to run from you,
But I find myself attracted to my dilemma; I just can’t get you out of my head.

‘Cause I’m always tired but never of you.